17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:17, 20-21
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20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.[1]
Christ Has Come: The Promised King & His Gift of Peace (Advent 2025) – Refresh & Restore | A JustKeithHarris.com Podcast
Greetings Sojourners!
I have enjoyed hearing from many of you regarding how our last Bible study was helpful. When Jesus saves us by making us alive in Him (Ephesians 2:4-5), it really does impact our real, everyday lives (Ephesians 2:10), but it is helpful for us to realize that we are not the only ones struggling in our walk with Christ and trying to make it work. When Paul wrote to the Colossians (and us) that “whatever [we] do, in word or deed” – “everything” – is to be done “in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him”, he really meant everything, working from inside our homes and families outside to our vocations. Today, we are going to let God meddle in our homes once more.
Before we dive into today’s text, we need to be reminded that children are a blessing. This is not to say that we do not know this, but raising children is hard. From the terrible twos to the terrible teens, there are times when we forget the blessing children are and get caught up in the rigors of child rearing. This reminder also extends beyond parents. It does not matter if you are a grandparent, aunt or uncle, or someone God has put in a position to get to have a Christlike impact on a child; children are a blessing from the Lord – the Bible tells us so:
- Genesis 33:5 (when Jacob returns and encounters his brother Esau for the first time after plundering his birthright) – And when Esau lifted up his eyes and saw the women and children, he said, “Who are these with you?” Jacob said, “The children whom God has graciously given your servant.”
- Deuteronomy 7:13a – [The Lord] will love you, bless you, and multiply you. He will also bless the fruit of your womb and the fruit of the ground….
- Psalm 127:3-5 – Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
- Psalm 128:3-4 – Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.
- Proverbs 17:6 – Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.
- Matthew 18:1-5 – At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to Him a child, He put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the sea.
Gracious gifts from God, blessings, arrows, olive shoots, crowns, and examples are how the Bible describes children so that we are reminded when sin sets in, so that we remember God’s design and not be left up to our own.
Now, just as Paul did not speak only to the parents in the Colossian church but also to the children, so we, despite the fact that I have fewer readers who are children, will not be silent in reminding the blessing of godly parents to children. They need to know that the parents holding them accountable and trying to help them grow up are a blessing, too:
- Exodus 20:12 – “Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
- Deuteronomy 5:16 – “’Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
- Proverbs 1:8-9 – Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.
- Proverbs 6:20-22 – My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching. Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you.
Honor, graceful garlands, pendants, leaders, guardians, and companions are how the Bible describes godly parents and their instruction so that we are reminded when our own sin sets in and parental discipline becomes necessary that God’s design to grow us up in Him is better than getting our own way.
We have our work cut out for us today, Sojourners, and Lord willing, He will meddle in our families for His glory and our good by the power of His Spirit as we study His Word today. Let’s dive in and see what the Lord has for us and for our families today.
Children, Obey Your Parents in Everything,
For This Pleases the Lord (v. 20)
This may come as a shock to you, but Paul is giving this command because children, who were believers or being raised in a way that pointed them to Christ, were being disobedient to their parents. I know that is shocking. It must have been widespread (like it is today), too, because Paul even listed “disobedient to…parents” as a sign of godlessness and difficulty in the last days in 2 Timothy 3:2. If you catch a bit of sarcasm here, it is because disobedient children – even those who have been saved – is not a shocking but normal, or at least worldly. That’s what kids, even the best ones, do. And, furthermore, no one had to teach them how to disobey because sinfulness is part of human nature after the Fall (Romans 5:12). Sin being part of our nature, though, does not excuse it. If we are saved – specifically here, if our children are saved or we are pointing them to Jesus as Savior, disobedience is not excused.
What This Does NOT Mean
Paul here (and in Ephesians 6:1) gives the command for children to “obey” their parents. The word translated “obey” here seems simply enough – for one to do what they are told, but the full understanding is, of course to listen and follow instructions but expands to include yielding “to a superior command or force (without necessarily being willing)”.[2] Like in the biblical design for marriage, there is supposed to be submission to the authority God has in place, in this case parents having authority over their children. But there are limits to that authority.
Just as we did in the last Bible study, we need to clarify here that the limit is within the boundaries of whether the commands of the parents conflict with the command of the Lord. The authority and command of God the Father trumps earthly fathers. So, if a parent (hopefully in rare occasions) gives instruction that contradicts the Bible, the child is to, respectfully, obey the Father “in a spirit of love, not of defiance, since the law of Christ is the law of love”.[3] Being a child of God is to influence being a child of one’s parent, meaning when our earthly parents go astray in their instruction and point us in a way other than toward Christ the conduct and example of the child can help the parent see the error in their ways and be granted repentance (2 Timothy 2:25-26).
What Does It Mean, Then?
To help us understand, we are going to look to the broader context in Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, as we did in the last Bible study on marriage. Ephesians 6:1-3 says:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
The additional content given to the church at Ephesus was not new content but much older, from the Ten Commandments. This fifth commandment is instructional and instrumental as it is the first commandment dealing with earthly or the “horizontal” relationships.[4] Paul instructs them, also, that this commandment was the first “with a promise” – that “it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land”. Under OT Law, there were instances of disobedience like hitting or cursing a parent that could warrant a death penalty (Exodus 21:15, 17), so living long in the land meant coloring inside the lines of acceptable behavior. For things to “go well” meant to make sure that one’s behavior in the familial context was acting within the rules laid out. Thankfully, under the grace we see in Christ Jesus, He paid the death penalty for us and offers us mercy (Colossians 2:14-15, Titus 3:4-5). But what does that look like?
First, as with all sin, Jesus paying the price for our sin, redeeming us, by no means gives us license to continue in sin (Romans 6:1-4). That’s how sin works in children, though; where there once was a tough punishment (OT Law), leniency can sometimes give way to license. The old saying, give an inch and they will take a mile, comes to mind. This ain’t that. This is God giving guidance for children to receive the discipleship that belongs in the biblical parent-child relationship. Part of parents fulfilling the Great Commission in their homes and teaching all that Jesus has commanded (Matthew 28:20) is the child receiving the information, yielding to parental authority (without necessarily being willing), and following in the prescribed way.
This obedience is right and pleases the Lord. It is also very difficult because they are children. I remember working on something with my father in his shop with Xander there “helping” us. Xander was around four years old, so there was a certain amount of correction involved. After one particularly frustrating exchange, Daddy (well, clearly Poppy in this instance) was frustrated, too. I remember being surprised that he wasn’t necessarily on my side or at least more in solidarity, but what he said stuck with me: “I am fifty[whatever] years old, and I don’t like being corrected any more now than I did when I was his age.” Xander did not like the instruction because he did not understand that there were things there that could hurt him. Poppy understood my instruction as well as Xander’s frustration. We have a good example here because clearly Poppy takes instruction from his Father better at fifty-something or now sixty-something than he did then despite any dislike or frustration. Why? Children grow up. And, as we will see in the next section, growing up in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4) bears fruit when children are grown.
Fathers, Do Not Provoke Your Children,
Lest They Become Discouraged (v. 21)
Continuing as we have, and considering the volume of what can and needs to be said here, let’s go on and look to Ephesians 6:4 to help us:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
That last phrase concerning bringing “them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (or “nurture and admonition” in some translations) gets to the heart of the command.
What This Does NOT Mean
While this command is straightforward, it will do us good here as we have wives, husbands, and children, to discuss what the command for fathers (and mothers) not to “provoke” their children to anger does not mean. Plain and simple, this does not mean children should not be disciplined. The Bible is clear that part of good, and especially godly parenting, means giving appropriate instruction (Deuteronomy 6:6-7; Proverbs 1:8-9, 6:20-23; 22:6) and discipline (Proverbs 13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15; Hebrews 12:11). It should also go without saying that the prescribed biblical discipline is not condoning abuse. For example, one can look at passages like Exodus 21:20-21 that teach it to be unlawful for one to beat a slave or servant as guidance for what is also unacceptable for parents. Disciplining is one thing, but cruelty is another. God disciplines His children (Proverbs 3:11-12, Hebrews 12:5-13) but clearly treats His children better than the best earthly fathers (Luke 11:11-13).
What Does it Mean to Parent in a Way That Brings Children Up in the Discipline and Instruction of the Lord While Not Provoking to Anger and Causing Discouragement?
As I said above, the goal of Paul’s instruction to the Colossians, Ephesians, and us today is that children be brought up in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). The key to seeing this is in the words translated “provoke”.
English is less precise sometimes than the original languages, so taking a brief look can give us correct context. The word translated “provoke” in Colossians 3:21 can have more than one meaning. Like many words we use today, the context tells us whether it is meant positively or negatively. The positive meaning of that word would be “to incite or stimulate to action” as used in 2 Corinthians 9:2 to describe their zeal being stirred up, but the negative meaning “to excite, anger, provoke, irritate”.[5] Taken with the word translated as “provoke” in Ephesians 6:4 (“implying movement toward a certain point” like “anger” or “resentment”[6]) gives us the full picture: the goal of biblical parenting is raising them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord rather than raising them to resent their parents and the Lord. The Amplified Bible rightly sees such provoking as breaking their spirits, leaving them feeling inferior and frustrated. The words translated “provoke” give us two pictures of parenting, one godly and the other worldly – one righteous and the other sinful. One points children to Christ as Savior and is built out of saved parents’ own relationship with Christ. The other seeks to beat down the child’s resolve and determination to get desired behaviors and is built out of fear and control. One provokes and encourages children turning to Christ and having hope in Him, but the other beats children down, breaking theirs spirits and leaving them hopeless. How can we make sure we are in one and not the other?
Parenting is hard. What is not hard is making children angry when they are corrected. This is seen from when babies are first able to communicate. A simple “no” can bring tears and tantrums (Proverbs 22:15). Does this mean that children can never be made angry? Of course, not. Just as we get angry when corrected, so do our children. We want to commit sin (Romans 7:15-20). If trespasses are when we deviate from God’s path (Isaiah 53:6) and sin is missing the bullseye of His righteous standard (Romans 3:23), too often our sin is purposefully veering off course or shooting our shot at what we want rather than where He has us aimed (James 1:14-15). It is no different with our children. Paul is clarifying that our intent is not to provoke or incite them to anger but to stir them up to “love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24) just as we are with our faith family because we are “bound together ‘in the Lord’ as well as by ties of natural kinship”.[7]
Wrapping Up
So, what does that look like? Here’s a simple list for a difficult task. This list is not exhaustive and, as there are many books written on the subject, this next brief section will not suffice to elaborate on all aspects but to help you see what God has for us and to help us course-correct if change is needed. I will include a footnote here[8] to point you to some good resources if you would like to look further, but this list will point you to Christ and have His Spirit help you on your journey:
- Teach your children the gospel. In Deuteronomy 6:6-7, Moses lays out some principals to Israelite parents in the wilderness before they pass over the Jordan into the promised land. It is known as the shema, meaning “hear” or “listen” for the purpose of doing and carrying out. So, listen up, Sojourners, and see what the Lord would have us hear and do. First, Moses told them to love God above all else and with all they had: heart, soul, and strength. Second, he tells them that the words he was commanding they should be constantly on their hearts. Finally, he told them that the words should also be on their lips and taught “diligently to [their] children” in all of life, while they were sitting at home and walking and lying down and getting up – that they should be at the forefront of their thoughts as clearly as signs on their hands or written on their doorposts. For Israel, this was to tell their children and children’s children what God had done for them in rescuing them from slavery in Egypt and sustaining them throughout the wilderness despite their sinfulness. You see, the home is where God designed this to be best taught. For us today, it is teaching our children that God put on flesh and dwelt among us to save us from our sin by dying on the cross in our place, raising on the third day, and telling us that all who confess Him as Lord and believe in Him shall be saved. Moses told Israel that this should be done as often as children ask or are able to talk about it (Deuteronomy 6:20). Godly parenting means making sure this comes up and comes up often – talking on it when you sit at home or ride in the car or play catch or ____.
- Teach your children how God designed life to work best. I find it easier to talk to my kids about behavior than I do the gospel, which is sad. This part is acknowledging and encouraging you that teaching your kids how to behave is in the job description (Proverbs 22:6). And as we saw in the previous point, home is where God designed for this aspect of discipleship to be taught. Children need to be taught right and wrong because our sin nature pulls us toward wrong like magnetic north to a compass needle (Romans 7:18-19). Your children will need specific guidance that only you can give (Proverbs 1:8-9). You are not alone in this, however; God has given grandparents, aunts, uncles, pastors, church family, and that village that folks are always saying it takes to raise a child (Titus 2:1-4). Just make sure that the Bible sets the course here and not just in the gospel (2 Timothy 3:16-17). The world is vying for a place in your children’s minds and lives, make sure the village or church family you are planted in has the Bible in the place of authority and not as a coaster for worldly living and teaching (Colossians 2:8).
- Discipline your children as our Father does us. Hebrews 12:6 (quoting Proverbs 3:12) is the key here as “the Lord disciplines the one he loves”. Love is the key to godly discipline. This is the dividing line between the provoking to anger and the discouragement that can be produced in Colossians 3:21. The difference between disciplining out of love is keeping what the child needs and what God has called you to as a parent at the forefront, rather than letting onlookers and expectations set the pace. Children need to be corrected. Wrong behavior can have all manner of consequences, and the consequences of sin are often much more far-reaching and dangerous than we understand, much less children. But unloving discipline has more in common with abuse than with discipleship. People often quote Proverbs 22:6 as part of this: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it”. This is true and good to know, but part of that means that discipline keeps them in the right lane, in the Way – there are a lot of detours and off-ramps before “when he is old” arrives.
- Show your children grace and mercy as your Father has for you. I said it above, but it bears saying again: children are going to mess up. Sometimes it will be small. Others it will be big. Teaching school has taught me a lot about this. I have learned not to say that my children will never ____. That often precedes them nevering like they have never nevered before! No, my children are capable of whatever sin they desire, just as I am capable of whatever sin I desire. There are consequences to my sin (Galatians 6:7), and I am responsible for doling out and enforcing consequences for my children (Proverbs 19:18). Despite the consequences of my sin, however, I have received a lot of grace and mercy from my Father (Ephesians 2:4-5). He does not lessen the punishment, but He also does not lessen His love for me. There is nothing I can do that can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39). Children need to know that. I have never been more ashamed than in times when I have confessed sin to my children so that they can learn from my mistakes rather than trying to make the mistakes on their own, but the beauty of the gospel is that I also teach them the good news of a great and powerful Savior who loves me despite my sin and gives me strength so that I am no longer a slave to sin (Romans 6:6). There are times to levy heavy discipline. There are times to withhold (mercy) and give grace instead (James 2:13). This is not religion but relationship – and based off the relationship we have with our Father (Galatians 4:4-7).
- Make disciples. The goal of parenting is not to get them in the best colleges or set them up in trades or careers that can help them be set up better financially than you were or your parents before you. The goal is not to get them grown and out of the house. No, the goal is to see them in Christ (3 John 4). This is not a class, nor is it religion. It is a relationship (John 15:4-5).
That list is a good start, but we need to note a very important distinction here: you cannot and do not save your child. You point them to Christ (John 14:6). You teach them His gospel (Mark 16:15). You teach them His ways (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). You instruct them in how He designed life to work best and discipline them when they stray (Proverbs 16:25). But saving them is God’s job (John 6:44). Don’t fret though. He’s good at it! He delights in saving people (1 Timothy 2:3-4)! Having said that, though, this is not something than can be faked. If you are not walking with Christ, your kids already know that. At the same time, kiddos reading this need to know that even if you can fool your parents, the truth will become clear. There is simply no substitute for God saving us because, unless He saves us, we are still dead in our trespasses and sins (Ephesians 2:1-2), and there’s really no way to fake being alive. It’s the genuine article or a corpse.
So, if you find yourself reading this, Sojourner, whether you are a child or a parent, know that there is opportunity for salvation. The same God who gives these directives and instruction on how being a child or parent works best desires to bring people into His family. Those who confess Him as Lord and believe in their hearts that God raised Him from the dead, He saves by grace through faith. He adopts them into His family and loves them as His own because they are His own. If this is you, I would love to talk with you and pray with you.
If you are reading this and are saved, I would love to talk with you and pray with you, too. Parenting is not easy, but God is good, and His grace and strength is enough.
May He grant us the grace and strength to walk with Him in our families – to have our homes adorned with Christ. Hallelujah, and amen!
[1] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2016), Col 3:17, 20-21.
[2] Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: New Testament (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 2000).
[3] F. F. Bruce, The Epistles to the Colossians, to Philemon, and to the Ephesians, The New International Commentary on the New Testament (Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1984), 165.
[4] Tony Merida, Exalting Jesus in Ephesians (Nashville, TN: Holman Reference, 2014), 149.
[5] Zodhiates.
[6] Zodhiates.
[7] Bruce, 165.
[8] Here are some books that have been helpful to me as a parent: Shepherding a Child’s Heart (Tedd Tripp, Shepherd Press); Family Driven Faith: Doing What It Takes to Raise Sons and Daughters Who Walk With God (Voddie Baucham, Crossway); and Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family (Paul David Tripp, Crossway). These are not parenting books per se, but 10 Questions Every Teen Should Ask (and Answer) About Christianity (Rebecca McLaughlin, Crossway) was very helpful in talking with my oldest about sin and the world as she approached her teens and Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers (Dane Ortlund, Crossway) can be helpful if you need to see how Jesus treats His followers who turn to Him as an example for to point your family to the Savior.
Just Keith Harris 
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